Assault and De"Battery"

Sorry I haven’t written in a while.  I’ve been consumed with my schoolwork, and on top of that, I received an all expenses paid grant to study in Italy and Austria over the summer.  I’ve had to get a passport and fill out forms so that I’ll be ready to travel in May.  

After my allotted time in Italy and Austria, I plan on staying longer and getting the full European backpacking experience.  Whenever I get free time, I’ve been planning my Europe trip.  However, in order to fund this excursion, I’ve had to start saving/making money.

Right now, I’m sitting in my grandmother’s living room in the middle of a giant yard sale.  So far I’ve made about $200; however that isn’t my problem.

Does anyone remember Furbies?  Those annoying furry bird-mammals that say random nonsensical phrases. 

Well, there is one out there.  It wouldn’t bother me if it were turned off; however, my 6 and 7 year old cousins continue to turn it on.  So whenever I’m not expecting it, that demonic thing starts talking and scares the crap out of me. 

I hate it. 

They have a little bake sale area outside, where they sell cookies and lemonade.  Except when they take him over there, the stupid Furby starts sneezing.

“AHCHOO!”

I don’t want fake Furby boogers all over the cookies!

And then when they get bored with selling cookies, he’s left over there.  So when I’m walking around—selling different items—I forget that he’s there.  He has a motion sensor, so when I walk by he goes off.

And in case you don’t know what a Furby is, they have these creepy high-pitched voices that are terrifying.

BUT WAIT!  What’s this in my pocket?  Batteries?  Where did I get these?  I’ll tell you where I got them.

When my cousins got distracted and Furby was left defenseless, I snuck up behind him and—I’m ashamed to say—I mugged him.  I ripped his insides out and left him dead and bleeding.

What can I say?  Even though this neighborhood is predominantly little old ladies, you got to watch your back.  You never know when your going to be the victim of an assault and debattery.  

Addictive Substances - Girl Scout Edition

There is something extremely addicting about this time of year.  No it isn’t the warm sunshine.  No, it isn’t the giddy excitement of upcoming summer vacation.  It’s the deliciously minty smell of the elusive Girl Scout.

The rare Girl Scout is only seen once a year.  They hibernate during the colder months and, just before spring, they emerge in mass.  Along with them comes Samoas, Do-Si-Dos, Tagalongs, and—my personal favorite—Thin Mints.

When I get the first whiff of these cookies, I completely lose control.  I just HAVE to get some.  I NEED them.

In my personal opinion, those little Girl Scout girls are demons that have come to tor-“mint” me.  Don’t let their cute little girl shells fool you.

Master Pimps and Drug Dealers don’t have anything on these little girls.  They push their wares, and like an addict, you can’t say no.  And because they only show themselves once a year, you have to buy in bulk.

Personally, I know that my freezer is now so crammed full of Thin Mints that I might have enough to make it happily until July.  Then in July, I’ll reach my last box of addicting goodness.  That last box will have to sustain me for the rest of the time and I’ll be forced savor every mouthful.

You know what?  I’ve already spent too much time away from my cookies, and all this talk of Thin Mints has made me hungry.  I have to go.  I’m going to get my fix…