Addictive Substances - Girl Scout Edition

There is something extremely addicting about this time of year.  No it isn’t the warm sunshine.  No, it isn’t the giddy excitement of upcoming summer vacation.  It’s the deliciously minty smell of the elusive Girl Scout.

The rare Girl Scout is only seen once a year.  They hibernate during the colder months and, just before spring, they emerge in mass.  Along with them comes Samoas, Do-Si-Dos, Tagalongs, and—my personal favorite—Thin Mints.

When I get the first whiff of these cookies, I completely lose control.  I just HAVE to get some.  I NEED them.

In my personal opinion, those little Girl Scout girls are demons that have come to tor-“mint” me.  Don’t let their cute little girl shells fool you.

Master Pimps and Drug Dealers don’t have anything on these little girls.  They push their wares, and like an addict, you can’t say no.  And because they only show themselves once a year, you have to buy in bulk.

Personally, I know that my freezer is now so crammed full of Thin Mints that I might have enough to make it happily until July.  Then in July, I’ll reach my last box of addicting goodness.  That last box will have to sustain me for the rest of the time and I’ll be forced savor every mouthful.

You know what?  I’ve already spent too much time away from my cookies, and all this talk of Thin Mints has made me hungry.  I have to go.  I’m going to get my fix…

And Behind the Secret Door in the Hidden Room Is...

I was gonna do today’s blog on the Girl Scouts; however, that was before I found a magical bathroom.

That’s right.  Magical.  Bathroom. 

Almost like the Chamber of Secrets, except I don’t have to go down a toilet.

Today, while at work, I really, really, really, really had to pee.  And, as I am still getting accustomed to the school, I left my desk and wandered randomly down the hall until I found a door with the picture of little woman on it.

After opening the door, it looked like a regular old bathroom; however, I quickly discovered it was so much more.  Behind the sinks and mirrors was a completely separate room full of nothing but full-length mirrors.  I debated on whether to reenact the ballet studio scene from Twilight, but decided on doing some funky 80s dance moves.

While getting my boogie on, I noticed that in the corner was another opening.  So before I could break out the funky chicken, I began to walk towards the opening and realized that there was a staircase.

The need to pee completely forgotten in the discovery of a hidden staircase, I began the ascent.  I was Sleeping Beauty climbing, spellbound, towards my finger prick.  I was conquering Mount Everest.  Blazing a trail up into the unknown.

After reaching the final step, stood a lone door.  As I reached for the door, I stopped with my hand clutched tightly around the handle….

Thoughts raced through my head.  I might have actually found a portal into Narnia!  Or even some way out of the Matrix.  Then again, What if I ended up in Wonderland?  Would Johnny Depp be waiting on the other side?   Maybe Mr. Rochester’s crazy wife, Bertha, was waiting to claw at my face.

Then my more pessimistic/realistic side took over.  What if it was just some boring janitor’s closet?

Stupid Left Brain.  You had to ruin the excitement.

As I stood debating, the need to pee once again took hold and broke the spell that had taken hold of me.  I went back down the stairs and completed my original course of action.

After all, you don't want to enter Narnia with a full bladder.  There aren't really bathrooms in Narnia -- at least not ones with decent plumbing.  And besides, I'd just end up wiping myself with sticks and leaves.  Which is just gross in the first place, but doubly weird because the trees there are alive.  And how awkward would that be -- apologizing to a tree for wiping your... but I digress.

After finishing my business, I decided that I like the idea of the unknown far better than boring certainty.  So I left the bathroom and went back to work before I was tempted to re-climb the stairs and uncover the truth about the secret door.

Besides, I’ve decided to return to the bathroom at a later date, just to see if the secret room still exists.  It was so real, but I might have imagined the whole thing.  I do have an active imagination… and a slightly psychotic personality—at least that’s what people tell me. 

The need to pee may have made me delusional.

However, if some day in the future, my blog mysteriously vanishes and I’m never heard from again, know that I’ve finally opened that door and found something so amazing that I may never come back.

Virtual Villagers

In case you haven’t figure this out by now, I have a bit of an obsessive side.  When I set my mind to do something, I mean, not only to do it, but to do it well.  And this is the only reason I can give for not posting something sooner.

I’m currently on Spring Break, and I decided that with all of my newly discovered free time, I was going to play a computer game.

The game is called Virtual Villagers.  And I’ve become obsessed.

I’ve been so busy making sure that my villagers don’t accidentally kill themselves, that I’ve hardly had time to do anything else.

The plot of the game is that a volcano erupted and destroyed their island, so a bunch of castaways land on a new island and have to discover its secrets.

You start with 5 people and have to build up a thriving colony.

In my opinion, the inbreeding has made my villagers idiots.  They are truly retarded.

In the game, the villagers can learn different skills including: farming, building, researching, healing, and breeding.

Why then, when I’m running out of food, does my Master Scientist stand around and worry about starving to death when he is standing right beside a bountiful berry bush?  His powers of deductive reasoning aren’t worthy of his title of Master Scientist.  Just pick the stupid berries.

And there’s one lady, that if I leave alone for just a second, she gets pregnant.  I’ve aptly named her “The Slut.”

I’ve also given some other villagers appropriate names.  For example:

In the Farming Category:

            Farmer John

            Old MacDonald

            John Deere

In the Building Category:

            Ty Pennington

            Zena Warrior Princess

            Macho Man Randy Savage

In the Scientific Category:

            Professor X

            Marie Curie

            Einstein

            Charles Darwin

In the Healing Category:

            Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman

            Dr. Kevorkian

            Dr. Phil

            Dr. Oz

In the Breeding Category:

            Pimp Daddy

            The Slut

            The Hoe Bag

            Tiger Woods

            Casanova

            Don Juan

Other interesting names include:

            Numb-Nuts

            Afrotastic

            Old Man

So, today, my villagers have finally created a self-sustaining colony; however, I still don’t trust them.  If I leave them alone for too long, they’ll start doing laundry and rain dances instead of useful things like eating.

That’s all for now.  I gotta keep Tiger Woods from getting The Slut and The Hoe Bag pregnant again.

P.S. – Holy Crap!  I just logged back into my game, and while I was away 11 different women got pregnant.  Thanks a lot Tiger.  I know it was you.