How I Hospitalized Someone Using Only My Sheer Awesomeness

During those harsh winter months of the year, when cold and frost rears its ugly head, I suit myself in my green coat and matching green hat; however, when I’m thus armored to battle the cold, I tend to attract attention.

What you need to understand is that my green hat happens to be a frog hat. So, while I’m staying toasty warm, I have a tendency to look like a life-sized Kermit the Frog—Yes, I know that’s awesome.

I told you that, to tell you this. I just recently graduated from Clemson University in South Carolina with my undergraduate degree in English. Now, while walking around campus, I always imagined myself to be in a real life game of Frogger. I would cross streets and imagine that I was hopping towards my fly-ridden destiny.

Now, do you know those shows on T.V. where idiots doing amazingly stupid things? You know, the ones with the warning labels, “Do not attempt these stunts at home?” Well, my life is rather like those shows. In that I’m a professional at awesomeness, and should not be imitated. Here’s why…

First, I must say that I like myself too much to actually run out into oncoming traffic; however, someone else in Clemson seems to have seen me and then gotten the idea that real life Frogger is a good idea. He was wrong. Oh boy, was he wrong. While walking near the campus, the man was talking to some of his buddies about—you guessed it—the game Frogger. He then yelled, “GO!” and ran out into oncoming traffic. Just so you know, I couldn’t make stuff like this up.

If you haven’t guessed the outcome of this scenario by now, let me just say that it involved our friend the frog and the front of an oncoming SUV. After some intense hospitalization and hopefully some mental therapy, he was finally released back into the wild.

Moral of the Story: There are certain levels of awesomeness—from getting the last piece of cake—to—OH MY GOSH! That polar bear just saved a bunch of depraved, starving orphans while riding a motorcycle through a ring of fire and singing the national anthem backwards.

I my friends, am that bear. I know that I make it look easy, but I’m a professional. Don’t try this at home.